YK’s 365 Release: Day 55

The other day I found myself pushing back a strand of hair behind my ear. The thing is, I have a shaved head now. Attachment from habit.

In my adult life, I have been both boi-ish, and also more feminine-ish. I don’t think I can say I was ever really “femme” because that’s a wonderful and fierce energy in women that is not solely about presentation. Some people possess that energy, and some people admire it. Regardless, because I have transgressed gender lines and have wandered into both sides multiple times, I have apparel for both sides now. That means I have one closet for the boi me, and one closet for what was the more feminine me.

At the beginning of the 365 Release I cut 14” of my hair (see Day 3), several weeks ago I shaved it off entirely. I am retroactively writing about this because I am remembering why I held onto my hair for so long and why shaving it off is an excellent practice in non-attachment.

I am remembering gender-norm privilege.

Not having to worry which bathroom to use, not having to think twice about whether to speak lest you give away that you are a woman, not a man. I am remembering again how certain conveniences and privileges come with looking feminine. I am remembering when I walk down the street my interactions are dramatically different.

Some women can shave off their hair and because their features are naturally delicate, it is easy to discern they are women. I am not one of those people. I realize my hair has been a defining feature for my gender presentation throughout my life.

I believe strongly that my more feminine hairstyle gained me access to a world of female bonding with other women that would have otherwise not have happened as easily with my shaved head previously. For this I am grateful, I now have an intimate group of very feminine female friends that offer a very unique and emotional support network.

It is an ineluctable stereotype that we play into. That femininity is more emotional and masculinity is less so. We all know those stereotypes do not necessarily hold true. What one sees on the outside is often drastically contrary to those stereotypes.

As I have mentioned before, this time I feel I have insight into both worlds so though I have a shaved head again, I am carrying it differently. Friends have mostly stated that they believe my short hair suits me more, and one friend articulated it well when she said that when I had a shaved head years ago it was more of a rebellious nature, whereas now it is more peaceful and just is. I liked how she put that.

Quite frankly, it seems my hair is an extension of thoughts and actions that are already set in motion. My hair is like a thought bubble that everyone can see. I am grateful for the resilience of my community for taking all of my drastic gender presentation changes in stride.

What I do know, is people have been telling me they loved my long hair, but that this look seems to suit me. So I suppose we shall see where this part of my journey takes me. I have a feeling I will be able to embrace both simultaneously. So today on Day 55 of my 365 Release I once again let go of a stage in my life to enter into another.