YK’s 365 Release: Day 15

I have a very specific memory of me hurdling over the arm of our sofa, pursuing my little sister, no doubt. It’s all in slow motion. I knocked over a lamp and it broke into millions of pieces. As soon as that happened, my mother said, “I knew that was going to happen.” And I remember saying, “Why didn’t you say something then?” to which she responded, “Because you have to learn for yourself.”

This lesson has stuck with me my entire life. So now, I am the type of person who must experience things for myself. Every single time.

Oh, drugs are bad? Oh, yeah you’re right, drugs are bad. I’m going to hurt myself? Oh, yes you were right, I hurt myself. Oh, cigarettes are bad? Let me try. Oh, yeah, cigarettes are bad. Eating this will make me ill? Oh, you were right.

I do have reasonable guidelines, however. For example, I won’t drink poison and I never have, because I believe in science, and mortality. When there is undeniable evidence of 100% fatality, I won’t try to experience it in the way I am accustomed to. That’s just plain dumb.

It is in the case where I believe there is subjectivity involved that I feel compelled to self-experience. Particularly when I believe that somehow my experience of the situation will be entirely different from the other person’s. I do learn quickly from my own experiences. In some ways this has made me obdurate in that I only rely on my own experience to guide myself.

It is my endless pursuit for truth. Truth for myself.  I can never really know, unless I find out for myself.

This kind of attitude has certainly led to me learn about life’s lesson’s the more perplexing way. But it has also given me infinite opportunities to learn about everything I could possibly ever imagine, first hand. My life experiences are many and fathomless; I have opened myself up to trying everything at least twice. Yes, I have tried everything. It has also cultivated a high regard for taking responsibility for my actions, since all of my decisions lead to consequences I have chosen.

I was with my mom at a shoe store, when she was visiting not too long ago. In addition to purchasing shoes for myself, I was guided to a pair of heels that I basically was drawn to. They are shiny and red, and made me feel happy. That is the only reason I wanted them. When my mother saw them, she said, “What are those? You’re not going to wear those. They’re too red, they’re too shiny. You won’t wear them.”

And she was 100% correct. But of course I bought them anyway, because I have to learn for myself, right? I’m not ever going to wear them. Another lesson learned from the sagacious mother. I look at them now, and I say, “what was i thinking?” But I know exactly what I was thinking.

Sometimes when you live in a world of transgression and outside of the boundaries of convention, there is some blurriness as to whether you want something for yourself or whether you would love to see someone else with it. Across the board, surpassing sex and gender, everyone appreciates a beautiful stiletto because it is like art. It makes people ecstatic, orgasmic and covetous. In this case, I have to say, I am of the congregation that luxuriates in seeing beautiful stilettos on others more than on my own feet.

So on day 15 of my 365 Release, I am giving away some shiny red stilettos that I bought because they were beautiful, that I bought not because of their function as shoes for myself, but because of my attraction toward them. It was like purchasing art for me. This reminds me of my lesson from Day 5, with the glass necklace. I am acknowledging that I appreciate beauty. That I have bought things in the past simply because I wanted to surround myself with magnificence. Yet I am also recognizing that beauty is not something I can hold or keep on a shelf. It flourishes most when it is out in the world. I’m not quite sure who to give these to yet because shoes are a different creature altogether. Shoes are extremely intimate and personal taste is paramount in the decision to wear them. So this time I’m going to have to leave the decision open. They are in mint condition, never worn by anyone, made by Guess and are size 7 women’s, cork heel. Any takers?

I am once again learning my lesson my way, regardless of what anyone has told me. Yes, I bought shoes that I wasn’t even going to wear just so I could look at them. And they have been sitting in a box unused for a few months because I had to experience what that would feel like. But in the end my life can only be lived by me, even if I have to go the long route. I will always learn this way, even if my mother is standing right next to me.