I’ve had an extraordinary life. Each aspect has been more than I could have hoped for in this lifetime.
The other day I was contemplating how my gender presentation has been fluid in the past years, what I have learned from transgressing gender, and presentation. When I first shaved my head about 17 years ago, it was because I was rebelling against everything I had endured to that point while in Korea. After living in Korea for 10 years, when I returned to the States for college I was able to come out, to feel less oppressed as a woman, and to experiment with who I would become.
At that time, I felt the anger that fueled the rebellion. I was confrontational, outspoken and was ready to take down any injustice I felt. I bleached my hair blonde and a tinting accident left me with platinum tips. So my appearance matched the insurgency I was enacting. I even attached taps to all of my shoes to that where I walked you would hear “click click click click”. I think about some of the things I did and chuckle to myself. Though I have changed in my older years, I can certainly appreciate the fury of someone just recognizing their identity and agency in the world. I pushed myself to the extremes to understand who I would be.
I somehow became someone who was on the cutting edge of queer fashion and the gay boys appreciated my foresight. I dressed like a dandy. As the years passed, when I moved to California, I found I was being pushed into the category of “butch”, something I did not identify as, but something others identified me as for their own peace of mind. One of the main reasons I left California at the time was because I felt thrust into a role. During my time in California I transformed into a more boyish phase, where I wore button down shirts and loose jeans. The contemporary butch fashion. And I did not feel comfortable at all.
When I moved to New York 8 years ago, I was already shedding the boyish fashion and began exploring a fashion that was more grown, but still masculine. I was still setting trends for others like me and many sought out my fashion sensibilities.
Then, about 5 years ago, I began growing out my hair (see Day 3) to find out what it meant to be those fierce powerful femmes I so respected and admired. I did not expect to learn as much or adapt as much as I eventually did. I had to learn what to wear, how to wear it, how to wear heels, how to apply makeup. My femme friends nurtured me as through this period by distributing hand-me-downs, giving me tips and I opened my heart and fully transformed. I cannot even begin to describe the breadth of knowledge I acquired exploring this side of myself, and how much I learned about not only about myself, but others as well (i.e. I was not only adapting, but others were adapting to my fluid gender presentation). I did learn to respect femme women even more than I already did.
And then, just as I began this 365 Release project, I shaved my head again because it was sweltering hot. It wasn’t like the first time when I was claiming mutiny against the establishment. It wasn’t like when I grew out my hair, which was a self-investigation journey. This time there was no rebellion, no anger, no curiosity. It was just the next stage of my being. In fact, it felt peaceful and a natural progression. And once again, I adapted and so too, did those around me. Again, an incredible learning experience I will go into another time.
Now I’ve come to appreciate different sides of myself, and I am open to daily fluidity. I am gentler with my presentation, gentler with myself. More open to every moment being different. Every moment being for how I feel, not how others read me. Now I just wear whatever is comfortable in a minimalist sense.
I have two closets, one for more masculine clothing and one for more feminine clothing. They will eventually merge I assume, because I have learned the two can be interchangeable and need not be stringently divided within myself. I have some things I know I will not wear again. Mostly because they are not comfortable to me, rather than them being associated with one gender or another.
I have a bunch of bracelets I used to wear when I was rocking out the feminine side. What a wonderful reminder of how resilient one can be. How wonderful to have a variety of quintessential perspectives. How magnificent to be living so many lifetimes in this one lifetime! We are only who we are in that moment!
On day 336 of my 365 Release practice for non-attachment, letting go and change, I am giving away these bracelets, which symbolize the incredible potential of human resiliency. I love my life.
[I created the 365 Release Project to practice non-attachment, letting go and change by giving away 1 thing a day for 1 year. The background, vision and guidelines to the 365 RELEASE project are here. The running list of everything I have released is here.]
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